Genesis

Do you ever think…?

* God is unhappy with me, so I must appease Him!

Yes! Bring the fattened calf and my first born son! We must appease the God of my forefathers lest he strike my bosom and make it saggy!

* God is reluctant to give me anything good, so I must coax Him!

Yes! Does God accept Visa or Mastercard? I would assume both considering He’s the reason for their existence.

* God is obliged to do what I want if I can perform the proper ritual, so I can manipulate Him!

I’ve been praying for a real life pikachu for like 10 YEARS and still nothing. This christianity stuff is hogwash.

* God is changeable and may alter His opinion of me at any time, so I have to constantly prove I am a good person.

Don’t be stupid, I know God’s not like that. My mother on the other hand...

* God is simply a responder and will react to me with either punishment or reward, so I will do all things that merit a reward.

Again, God sounds eerily like mother. Now that I think about it, when I was a kid she used to chase me around with a spoon yelling “I AM YOUR GOD! BOW SLAVE! PICK UP THE DAMN LEGOS!”.